Let's Play: Spy Hacker

Why is this blog post credited to ‘Minecraft Staff’? Because today we’re role-playing as a spy. And the first thing they teach you in spy school is to wipe your feet before entering spy school, a rule they invented just for me. But the second thing they teach you is to keep your identity top secret. Seriously, when you’re out on your spy missions, don’t wear a nice name badge. Learn from my mistakes.

After I was for some reason kicked out of spy school (perhaps I was so good that I was making the other students jealous?) I needed another way to train myself to be the world’s greatest spy. So naturally, I booted up Minecraft. Then I downloaded Spy Hacker by Everbloom Games in the Minecraft Marketplace.

You start this map by picking up a folder marked SPY HACKER. Which, er, isn’t very inconspicuous. But picking it up does reveal a hidden passageway behind a bookcase - yeah, now we’re talking!

Enter the training area and you’ll find the Pulse Wave Weapon. This shoots circles (circles in Minecraft? BLASPHEMY) of pulse energy that are so powerful that they also knock you back. Clearly a weapon that needs to be handled with utmost care. Pretty bad news that it’s in my hands then tbh. You can even use those knockbacks to reach higher/further platforms. Well, if you know what you’re doing…

Next you’re given the Hacking Watch. It’s an incredible gadget that can tell you the time! Wait, that’s just my wristwatch. The hacking watch actually lets you hack and rotate circuits so you can get past security systems. As someone who lost their keycard to get into Mojang Studios’ offices way back in 2020, this is wonderful news. 

Having completed my training - how long it took me is information that is irrelevant to this text - I hopped aboard a helicopter and flew to my first mission. Now, I know this’ll surprise you, considering how hypercompetent I’ve been so far, but it immediately went wrong. I reached the villain headquarters I was meant to be secretly infiltrating, but instead was greeted on the roof by a boss fight with an Agent E.V.I.L.

I’m soon ducking and diving and dashing and screaming and firing my pulse waves in a direction that’s hopefully somewhere in their general direction. I didn’t know being a spy would be dangerous. Why didn’t anyone warn me?!

Somehow I barely survive the figh… I mean, obviously, I easily survive the fight. With E.V.I.L stunned and literally seeing stars, I wander off to break into the base proper. 

Now, there are two approaches to breaking into somewhere as a spy: 

1. You sneak in as quietly as possible, stick to the shadows, and go completely unnoticed - you might as well be a ghost. 
2. You draw as much attention as possible as you run through the corridors panicking and firing at anything that moves. Weeping optional.

I’m more of an option ‘2’ kind of spy. In fact I might have set some sort of world record, because I think I managed to get caught by every single person in the building? 

After wandering the halls and basically saying ‘hello, I’m a spy!’ to every hostile guard I can find, I eventually worm my way through the building and descend/fall to the ground floor.

Dusting myself off, I patrol the corridors, ready to take out any bad guys, when I overhear someone saying “everyone here is dressed exquisitely!”

Is that villain code for something? I follow the voice and emerge in a fancy hall full of lovely paintings and people dressed… well, exquisitely!

I hack several circuits and… success! I’ve triggered something! Uh oh. It seems to be an alarm and my handler is shouting something about a “MISSION COMPROMISED” in my ear and all the party guests are screaming and running away (not a fan of my hot takes about the use of paint in the paintings, eh?) and several guards are pouring in and chasing me and you know what? I think it’s time to leave this party now.

I sprint out of the base and through wave after wave of angry guards. Luckily, I’m just one bridge away from safety! Slightly less luckily, they’ve decided to BLOW UP THE BRIDGE. WHAT?

After another boss battle - did I forget to mention that I’m a pacifist when I applied for this spy job? - I start running through the jungle. It’s swarming with guards and it looks like I’m done for. Until I find several cages full of jungle animals, like lions and rhinos. Hey, they’re hooked up to circuits I can hack with my watch!

Now, there’s about 5,000,063 reasons why this isn’t a good idea. But those reasons will have to wait because I’m busy hacking the circuits and releasing all my new animal friends. Run animals! You’re free now! Please don’t stampede me!

What happens next is top secret. Well, no, of course it isn’t, but I just don’t wanna spoil it. You can find Spy Hacker by Everbloom Games in the Minecraft Marketplace. But you didn’t hear that from me - I was never here. SPY OUT.